There's a wonderful short story by Delmore Schwartz called "In Dreams Begin Responsibilities." The short version is of a young man sleeping who sees his parents relationship at two points in time before his birth. The first is when their relationship is blossoming--he knows of their future troubles and wishes to warn them so that they do not remain a couple. In the second, their relationship is on the verge of ending, and he realizes, so is his future existence. He awakens to cold reality.
This tale is not nearly as literate as that of Mr. Schwartz, but it does deal with your existence.
Before your mother and I began dating, I was very much enamored of your mother--she of me, not so much. Still, she seemed to be leaving the door open (see also, "What a Fool Believes" by the Doobie Brothers) a little for me...or was she? A couple of years prior I had been enamored of another woman and figured if I was patient, she'd come around. Alas, not so. I did not want to spend another couple years of my life on a fruitless quest for a love that was never to be requited.
On the fateful day (my birthday, no less), I awoke much earlier than usual and decided to enjoy a lovely late spring morning by reading the newspaper on the porch outside my apartment. I thought about your mother, read my newspaper, thought about your mother (someday you'll understand), etc. Shortly before I had to go to work, I read an article about butterflies and how, because of human encroachment, they were in much shorter supply than the norm. It dawned on me that it was early June, and I had yet to see a butterfly that year. For some odd ass reason, I thought to myself...If I see a butterfly today I will continue wooing your mother. If not, I'd give up and move on.
I left for work shortly thereafter, and promptly forgot about my thought concerning the butterfly.
The Kmart your mother and I worked at was readying for our yearly inventory. I spent the day in the stockroom prepping. It ended up taking much longer than I had planned--I was hoping to get home at a reasonable hour because Nate and Peanut usually called on my birthday and I was looking forward to speaking with them. At seven o'clock that evening I realized I was screwed, and was going to be there much longer than I had hoped. I decided to take a smoke break on the back dock in receiving even though it wasn't allowed after our receiving personnel had gone home for the day. I figured it was my birthday--shouldn't have to walk ten minutes to have a smoke. I grabbed an empty milk crate and sat down on it, lit my cigarette and had just decided to spoil myself and have two smokes when the biggest butterfly--at least four inches from wing tip to wing tip--of the brightest yellow I had ever seen flew right before my eyes. He flew around me for several minutes before floating away into a group of trees behind the store.
Needless to say, I remembered my thought from earlier that day.
There would be many times over the next three months that I would have my doubts as to whether or not to continue pursuing your mother, and every time I did, I would think of that butterfly.
It was not lost on me that, as a young boy, you were fascinated by both caterpillars and butterflies.
The End
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